Mixed Up.

I am all mixed up..

i have mixed feelings..

it seems so unnatural..

but i feel so uncomfortable and burdened..

like some impending doom is looming..

God, please deliver, please release..

God please make everything beautiful..

i want to be happy again..

i want to have a life and life more abundantly..

i need peace.

how much does it cost?

how much does it cost..

to say you love me..

how much does it cost..

to say you care..

how much does it cost..

to say we will last forever..

how much does it cost..

to share..

how much does it cost..

to make me feel important..

how much does it cost..

to make me the apple of your eye..

how much does it cost..

during the times when i am broken..

to whisper in my ear..

and make it all alright..

how much does it cost for you?

Lethargic.

lethargic. tired. empty.

i need..

hah. i don’t even know what i need..

more coffee. apple juice. maybe.

lethargic. i am very lethargic.

Silence is Deafening…

i told myself a hundred times..that this isnt my fault..but you make every single moment..feel just like that..

but the fact is..it isnt my fault.

i tried many times to just let go..

but this time, somehow..i feel like i am entitled to throw a tantrum..

simply..cos i know you SHOULD come and coax me..

but do you?

no, you don’t..

someone commented that you are a liability..

and to me, you wouldnt be..if you would just try to understand things beyond your perspective..

life isnt just about you and what you have been through..

it is alot more than that..

i know comparing to others..

you have seen, heard, experience..SO SO SO much more..

and i admire you for that..

but at the same time..

i have also seen, heard, experienced a lot too..

but have u tried to come to way i am..

maybe i am the immature one, the one that does not know the world..

then bring me to where you are..

but no.

all i get is some form of relinquished responsibility..

nonchalance..

a cant be bothered-ness..

and it kills me inside..

cos i try to make conversation…(when i am supposed to be the rightful one throwing the tantrum)

but you don’t..

but who am i to complain..

i am..

sighz..

i just feel so unjustified..

i cannot be normal nor someone who can be loved by you.

even when i am unreasonable (which i was not).

I wish…

i wish i could see this scene happening in my life..

(this is gonna be a very wishful-thinking, idealistic, dreamy, romanticized, somewhat-impossible post)

i want to be holding my lover’s hand..walking down the streets of disneyland..

in the cool air of LA..

trench coats, scarves, gloves..

but nothing beats the warmth that is felt in our hearts..

when the night falls and the stars are gleaming with love..

we look into each other’s eyes..and know we were meant to be..

right here, right now..

‘tonight, i celebrate my love for you..tonight, we will both discover..how friends turn into lovers..’

we kiss and embrace..

in the glittery castle and the spectacular fireworks..

tonight, we have each other..

i am more than certain, you are my one and only…

i wish, i wish..

i would live to see this become a reality..

All that i ever want to be…

all that i ever want to be is…

is to be happy..

i finally came out of the shell..

and admitted honestly to be myself that yes..

i am suicidal.. (no worries, i have told someone about it..and i hope would be of appropriate help)

in a very cold, hard, true way..

hmm often seen as an immature, emotionally weak, ignorant choice..

choice of state, experience and thinking..

and yes, i admit..

i am immature, emotionally weak and ignorant..

but truly and deepy..

i don’t know better..

if you asked me, “isnt there so much to live for?”

my answer to you would be no..

simply put, nothing is rewarding anymore..

what i place highly and at extreme importance..

utterly disappoints me and the hurt and all that entails it..

kills me..

from my spirit, to my soul then my body(well, not yet..)

i have become a bag of sadness, depression, tiredness and weakness..of lies of joy..

no vitality nor joy..

and notice its a bag…not having any inkling of human-ity at all..

i do cos i know it is what others want me to..

to please them (sounds like a joke to me now)..

when i have no confidence and no security at all..

that they will love me back..

most of the time..the love IS conditional..

i cannot find one that gives me unconditional love..

(besides God, of cos)..

but what i derive joy, peace, faith, hope, and love from..

is basically, sadly..PEOPLE..

and yes i have trusted them too much..

they made used of me..took advantage of what i sincerely offered..took a part of life and trampled on it..made me feel like i am less of a person..

(to those people, you know who you are..and i am trying to my very last breath to forgive u..so that i can start my life over…)

and that has left me so so so torn..

and so, the ‘i dont want to live anymore’ thoughts are strong, and very prominent in the head..never been stronger..

maybe cos i don’t feel satisfied w life anymore..

i hate being myself, and not knowing who i am..

i often have to change so that others can relate to me better..

and i have changed so much..

to the point i have no grasp of who i am anymore..

maybe its my childhood,

i never once had someone who would love me becos of me..

i often had to wait..

wait for love to visit me..

i often have to work..

work for a small figment of love to be printed in that few moments..

love becomes so tiring to me..

be it to my family, my boyfriend, my cell group, my friends..

loving people is so tiring for me..

and that has translated to how i relate to God..

i have to work for His love..cos He doesnt love me as much..

i have to prove my worth..i have to prove i am worth it..

and now..of cos, the dominant thoughts are..

i am NOT worth it..

i am too tired of trying to be everyone’s..

too broken, too shattered..

i want to be myself’s..

but i dunno where to start..

and hence, the ‘what’s the point of living another day’ notion..

what scares me the most is i am not exactly scared to actually end my life..

which means, i really treat it like a very viable option..

stupid, i know..

in any case, what really stops me is the thought of the inappropriateness of the season..

the reactions of people (i think) that love me..

whether i would be a stumbling block to others or not..

whatever it is..

i am trying to step forward..

and leave what is behind..

and try living, not surviving, again..

i just want to be free..

like a child..

(innocence, laughter, joy..smiles, simplicity)

i just want to be happy.