Grey: White and Black

I ask myself many times why I am here..
This is a family event..
A group of friends that are can click and know each other for a period of time..
Why am I here?
Feeling so awkward..and I could have just stayed at home..
Envisioned tonight to be really different..
But I guess..you can’t really “make me feel included” simply cos there are more urgent things to attend to..
But..why am I here?
I m a nobody..seriously..
How many times do I need to be in this position..
Putting myself in a place where I am…
Forgotten..
Should have jus skipped this..
Wanted tonight to be more of a…
Sighs..nevermind..it doesn’t matter anymore..
I will jus have to live through tonight..jus 2 more hours..

Didn’t start off well..

Today didn’t start well..I woke up feel a great sense of dread..and the loneliness feeling is overwhelming me again..I wished for more when I know “more” is impossible..I wished for..I wished for many things of which now I feel it’s totally a joke..maybe it’s pms that is getting me more emo than what I alr have been in the past 2mths..but what the hell..I don’t want to be emo at all! God would u somehow assure me that I will be ok? That I would still find someone that would love me for who I am..that I would be happy.

I really need You now.

The defeats during the victory..

I don’t feel so good..
Really bothered..
Why does faith leak so fast during this period..
It’s over, I keep telling myself..
But my head and my heart are always in a constant battle..
I am starting to miss it all..
I thought this would be..
God, please help me..
I really don’t feel so good..

You Don’t Take Time Anymore…

recently, i have begun to realize that i am feeling a little empty..

not empty in a bad way..but as in things have become so mundane..

we live life generally together..

meet at times, dont meet at times..

they are all great..and i am fine with that..

but after reading the book..i realized why do i feel so..

incomplete..

because you do not take time to romance me anymore..

taking it for granted that i will always be there to support you..

always there..

you stopped romancing me with inviting me into your house..

cooking dinner for me..

doing laundry together..

taking walks together..

you stopped romancing me ending each day with sweet nothings..before i go to bed..

cos you are too tired (physically) pursuing your dream..

you fall asleep on me all the time..

you forgot about (sigh) me.

you do not take time anymore to plan for dates..

to go to JB together, just the two of us..

to eat the small foodstalls..

and talk about anything under the sky whilst waiting for the car to get cleaned up..

you do not take time anymore..

to meet me in midday..

walk me down the mall..

and sing random songs that pops into our heads..

i m not like sad…because i know that you are genuinely busy..

and physically, your energy level fails you..

at every opportunity..you would rather stay home..

and not go out..just slack and relax..

but i jus feel incomplete..

when people generally ask me things like..

“does he love you a lot?”

“does he miss you?”

my immediate reaction is always to go against it..

and not believing it..

but i doubt its because you dont love me..or you dont miss me..

but its jus that you do not take time anymore to express it to me..

my love gauge is on the low..

but how i am going to tell you all these..

when i already think if i told you..

you would just think its utter nonsense.

you just dont take time to listen anymore.

The Indescribables…

my feelings cannot be described…

i feel empty, sad, frustrated..

sigh..i dont know why i am feeling..

and i dont know what i am feeling..

i just need to pew things out incoherently..

run like a crazy dog down the streets..

scream at the top of my lungs till my vocal chords snap..

just sleep and never wake up..

grrr..i feel sooooooooooooooo monstrously eeky inside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

;( and there is nothing i can do about it..

and for sure..there is nothing you will do anything about.

The ME now..

I think I have become a very cynical, skeptical, doubtful, insecure, take pleasure in nothing, stiff necked, stubborn, prideful, lone ranger…
All symptoms are deemed abominable to God..where did the cheerful, trusting, innocent, willing, yielded, sweet/good-natured girl go………

Well, I have no freakin’ idea..

I feel I am so doomed as a person.

Mixed Up.

I am all mixed up..

i have mixed feelings..

it seems so unnatural..

but i feel so uncomfortable and burdened..

like some impending doom is looming..

God, please deliver, please release..

God please make everything beautiful..

i want to be happy again..

i want to have a life and life more abundantly..

i need peace.

how much does it cost?

how much does it cost..

to say you love me..

how much does it cost..

to say you care..

how much does it cost..

to say we will last forever..

how much does it cost..

to share..

how much does it cost..

to make me feel important..

how much does it cost..

to make me the apple of your eye..

how much does it cost..

during the times when i am broken..

to whisper in my ear..

and make it all alright..

how much does it cost for you?

Lethargic.

lethargic. tired. empty.

i need..

hah. i don’t even know what i need..

more coffee. apple juice. maybe.

lethargic. i am very lethargic.

Silence is Deafening…

i told myself a hundred times..that this isnt my fault..but you make every single moment..feel just like that..

but the fact is..it isnt my fault.

i tried many times to just let go..

but this time, somehow..i feel like i am entitled to throw a tantrum..

simply..cos i know you SHOULD come and coax me..

but do you?

no, you don’t..

someone commented that you are a liability..

and to me, you wouldnt be..if you would just try to understand things beyond your perspective..

life isnt just about you and what you have been through..

it is alot more than that..

i know comparing to others..

you have seen, heard, experience..SO SO SO much more..

and i admire you for that..

but at the same time..

i have also seen, heard, experienced a lot too..

but have u tried to come to way i am..

maybe i am the immature one, the one that does not know the world..

then bring me to where you are..

but no.

all i get is some form of relinquished responsibility..

nonchalance..

a cant be bothered-ness..

and it kills me inside..

cos i try to make conversation…(when i am supposed to be the rightful one throwing the tantrum)

but you don’t..

but who am i to complain..

i am..

sighz..

i just feel so unjustified..

i cannot be normal nor someone who can be loved by you.

even when i am unreasonable (which i was not).