You Don’t Take Time Anymore…

recently, i have begun to realize that i am feeling a little empty..

not empty in a bad way..but as in things have become so mundane..

we live life generally together..

meet at times, dont meet at times..

they are all great..and i am fine with that..

but after reading the book..i realized why do i feel so..

incomplete..

because you do not take time to romance me anymore..

taking it for granted that i will always be there to support you..

always there..

you stopped romancing me with inviting me into your house..

cooking dinner for me..

doing laundry together..

taking walks together..

you stopped romancing me ending each day with sweet nothings..before i go to bed..

cos you are too tired (physically) pursuing your dream..

you fall asleep on me all the time..

you forgot about (sigh) me.

you do not take time anymore to plan for dates..

to go to JB together, just the two of us..

to eat the small foodstalls..

and talk about anything under the sky whilst waiting for the car to get cleaned up..

you do not take time anymore..

to meet me in midday..

walk me down the mall..

and sing random songs that pops into our heads..

i m not like sad…because i know that you are genuinely busy..

and physically, your energy level fails you..

at every opportunity..you would rather stay home..

and not go out..just slack and relax..

but i jus feel incomplete..

when people generally ask me things like..

“does he love you a lot?”

“does he miss you?”

my immediate reaction is always to go against it..

and not believing it..

but i doubt its because you dont love me..or you dont miss me..

but its jus that you do not take time anymore to express it to me..

my love gauge is on the low..

but how i am going to tell you all these..

when i already think if i told you..

you would just think its utter nonsense.

you just dont take time to listen anymore.

The Indescribables…

my feelings cannot be described…

i feel empty, sad, frustrated..

sigh..i dont know why i am feeling..

and i dont know what i am feeling..

i just need to pew things out incoherently..

run like a crazy dog down the streets..

scream at the top of my lungs till my vocal chords snap..

just sleep and never wake up..

grrr..i feel sooooooooooooooo monstrously eeky inside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

;( and there is nothing i can do about it..

and for sure..there is nothing you will do anything about.

how much does it cost?

how much does it cost..

to say you love me..

how much does it cost..

to say you care..

how much does it cost..

to say we will last forever..

how much does it cost..

to share..

how much does it cost..

to make me feel important..

how much does it cost..

to make me the apple of your eye..

how much does it cost..

during the times when i am broken..

to whisper in my ear..

and make it all alright..

how much does it cost for you?

All that i ever want to be…

all that i ever want to be is…

is to be happy..

i finally came out of the shell..

and admitted honestly to be myself that yes..

i am suicidal.. (no worries, i have told someone about it..and i hope would be of appropriate help)

in a very cold, hard, true way..

hmm often seen as an immature, emotionally weak, ignorant choice..

choice of state, experience and thinking..

and yes, i admit..

i am immature, emotionally weak and ignorant..

but truly and deepy..

i don’t know better..

if you asked me, “isnt there so much to live for?”

my answer to you would be no..

simply put, nothing is rewarding anymore..

what i place highly and at extreme importance..

utterly disappoints me and the hurt and all that entails it..

kills me..

from my spirit, to my soul then my body(well, not yet..)

i have become a bag of sadness, depression, tiredness and weakness..of lies of joy..

no vitality nor joy..

and notice its a bag…not having any inkling of human-ity at all..

i do cos i know it is what others want me to..

to please them (sounds like a joke to me now)..

when i have no confidence and no security at all..

that they will love me back..

most of the time..the love IS conditional..

i cannot find one that gives me unconditional love..

(besides God, of cos)..

but what i derive joy, peace, faith, hope, and love from..

is basically, sadly..PEOPLE..

and yes i have trusted them too much..

they made used of me..took advantage of what i sincerely offered..took a part of life and trampled on it..made me feel like i am less of a person..

(to those people, you know who you are..and i am trying to my very last breath to forgive u..so that i can start my life over…)

and that has left me so so so torn..

and so, the ‘i dont want to live anymore’ thoughts are strong, and very prominent in the head..never been stronger..

maybe cos i don’t feel satisfied w life anymore..

i hate being myself, and not knowing who i am..

i often have to change so that others can relate to me better..

and i have changed so much..

to the point i have no grasp of who i am anymore..

maybe its my childhood,

i never once had someone who would love me becos of me..

i often had to wait..

wait for love to visit me..

i often have to work..

work for a small figment of love to be printed in that few moments..

love becomes so tiring to me..

be it to my family, my boyfriend, my cell group, my friends..

loving people is so tiring for me..

and that has translated to how i relate to God..

i have to work for His love..cos He doesnt love me as much..

i have to prove my worth..i have to prove i am worth it..

and now..of cos, the dominant thoughts are..

i am NOT worth it..

i am too tired of trying to be everyone’s..

too broken, too shattered..

i want to be myself’s..

but i dunno where to start..

and hence, the ‘what’s the point of living another day’ notion..

what scares me the most is i am not exactly scared to actually end my life..

which means, i really treat it like a very viable option..

stupid, i know..

in any case, what really stops me is the thought of the inappropriateness of the season..

the reactions of people (i think) that love me..

whether i would be a stumbling block to others or not..

whatever it is..

i am trying to step forward..

and leave what is behind..

and try living, not surviving, again..

i just want to be free..

like a child..

(innocence, laughter, joy..smiles, simplicity)

i just want to be happy.

Conclusion: I am not worth it.

So maybe it is true..
You are not ready…
You can’t treat anyone right besides yourself..
You said it right today.. I feel very faraway..even when u r with your own family..
And I can tell u the reason why..
Cos I always wonder..if they can get what I want usually..and I try so hard to get it..
I dunno why I just can’t get it from you..
I am just to naive..just too trusting..
At the end of the day..you do not think I am worth it.

Me and My Neediness…

a lot of people say..

i am needy..

and in actual fact..

i admit i am..

someone once told me..

that being needy is fine..

but i know it is not now..

i feel like i should be alone..

back to the days when i felt that everyday sucked becos i had no one to depend on..

u know why..

cos right now..

i feel almst exactly the same..

i really feel like screaming out and say..

end my life right now..

but i know it is not going to be possible..

and somehow God never allowed it..

so to God:

why do i have to go through all these..

i am needy..

but apparently i cant be..

i want attention..

but only at the right time..

i want to be loved..

but the way the other wants to love me..

i want to be confident..

but cant seem to get there..

i want to be..

but i am not.

i really love him..and i needed some form of assurance..

but i got none..

i wanted to give him space..

and see if my non-existence affected him at all..

but i ended up being a burden, pressure, stress..

nothing that pertains to anything positive..

i really tried my best..but to no avail..

another person told me that i no need to try my best..

i just live the way i want..

and demand to be treated the way i should be..

reasonably, of cos..

but that dun seem to be viable as well..

bottomline..

i feel like i dun exist.

i cant exist..

i just want to end this pain..

why can’t i have a simple life..

what do i want?

everyday..

jus assure me that u do love me..

once in a while, tell me what you’re up to..

when i am down..coax me just that little..

when i am happy, laugh w me..

when i am frustrated, hug me till i smile..

when i dun feel like talking..

try to make me laugh..

and when i see that u tried (may or may not be well)..

i will laugh..

i hardly get angry or irritated..

but i seem to interact w ppl that do..

and unfortunately, they are usually the ones closest to me..

i want u to hold me, love me, kiss me, need me..

but, i dun feel it much..

and i will do the same..

to connect..

to love..

but all that seems so impossible..

God, this is so difficult..

could You make things better..

i really need Your help..

i am a burden..

not a joy.

and i hate myself for that..

Pondering..

Do I have to live with this forever? Do I want to? There is nothing I can do..cos I know and I know that the outcome will be unfavourable..I can jus imagine what will the reaction be..

So I am pondering..do I want to live with this?

My Near-Death Experience (as if my life is not exciting enough)

for the first time in my life..

i can seriously say..i almost died.

not in a joking manner..but really..

i almost lost my life.

through the experience, contrary to popular belief,

it makes me feel more regret..

more longing, more sadness..

no burst of new hope to live fulfilled lives..

just more emptiness.

on the 20th June…

a group of 3 friends and i went on a road trip to see the awesome, magnificent grand canyon..

the roads were clear..and the sun shone brilliantly..

we were all excited..after 2 long but blasting nights at las vegas..

cars zoomed past..as if it was the most quintessential thing to be driving at top speed..

my friend and i fell in and out of sleep throughout that 5 hr journey..

time check: 1330hrs..it happened.

the winds were hitting against the ‘light’ car driving at 80mph..

the steering started to get lighter and lighter..

the wheels were getting out of control..

the car had a life on its own..

moving in all dreadful directions..

we swerved to the left..

out of fear, we steered to the right..

then we swerved to the right at a high speed..

we then spun round 2 times..

and crashed head-on to the road side grilles..

i thought i was going to die..

and i was prepared to go over the grille and crash down the hill..

i was prepared for death.

the mind came to a stop..

captured in that ‘death’ moment..

“what would happen to my family..if i was gone..

what would happen to kelvin, to my friends..

to my cell group members..

what if i was really gone…”

with those thoughts..

the car miraculously came to a stop..

just inches away from crashing down the hill and turning over..

and we rolled into a ditch..

i burst out into tears..

realizing an excruciating pain in my head..

i had hit my head 3 times during the entire whirlwind..

but what HIT my head the most was..

i almost lost my life..i almost lost the chance to meet anyone again..

i almost.

“i just wished for more…(but i didn’t get it)“

Protected: ‘balance’ (a really incoherent post that is not worth reading)

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The Best of San Diego :)

so, it came to the last day..and man..wasn’t it the best day..

i think san diego is famous for their beaches and they are totally NOT overrated..

the morning started with the beautiful couple, hilda and indra, bringing us to a very sweet and quaint breakfast place, “the cottage”! my god, the food there is just simply ooh lala!:D

they served some really appetizing cinnamon, walnut cake while you wait in queue!

i fell in love with “eggs benedict”…mammalicious! :9

the couple and the spread of food..1. stuffed french toast (caramelized fruits) 2. omelette 3. eggs benedict

hilda suggested that we go to yet ANOTHER beach..called the ‘La Jolla Coast’…

when i first heard..all i thought was..”oh! another beach…..AGAIN!”

but let me tell you guys..it was the BEST experience of beaches i have ever had..

maybe because of my mood..and how the wind comforted me..

or maybe because of where my heart was longing..and how the horizon allured me to see beyond the impossible..

or maybe its just because La Jolla Coast is just magnificently beautiful..

i loved that place..it was another one of those ‘wished you were here’ moments…but seriously..if i had more time..i would love to walk slowly..stand still and gaze at the ocean..soak and breathe in the life that exudes from this coast..

nature’s beauty..one of God’s greatest gift..:)

and yes!there were seals!!!hahaha

after that breathtaking (because it was SOOOO cold and windy also) experience..we went to phil’s bbq..another famous foodie place for its ribs and all that…

i must say..it was gooood..much much much better than all you can expect from cafe cartel..haha the beef ribs were awesome:)

then i went to Rock Church..some church in downtown..my greatest takeaway is..

they embrace the cultural mandate..live by it and show it practically to the congregation and the rest of the community..

the sermon was simple and basic…but that’s beyond the point..

the way it was conveyed..through drama..and a creative storyline to teach the Word..makes people come with anticipation and builds an expectation that there will be a transformation after the series:) and Rachel Lampa was there…the one that sang ‘No Greater Love’..awesome song!

this is by far the best day i have had in san diego..and the Lord ended it well..by reminding me with a great encouragement and affirmation…

a beauteous sky..

like he always said..and i always thought..

“what a beautiful sky…it always reminds me that God is there and how great He is..”

the best of san diego.