You Don’t Take Time Anymore…

recently, i have begun to realize that i am feeling a little empty..

not empty in a bad way..but as in things have become so mundane..

we live life generally together..

meet at times, dont meet at times..

they are all great..and i am fine with that..

but after reading the book..i realized why do i feel so..

incomplete..

because you do not take time to romance me anymore..

taking it for granted that i will always be there to support you..

always there..

you stopped romancing me with inviting me into your house..

cooking dinner for me..

doing laundry together..

taking walks together..

you stopped romancing me ending each day with sweet nothings..before i go to bed..

cos you are too tired (physically) pursuing your dream..

you fall asleep on me all the time..

you forgot about (sigh) me.

you do not take time anymore to plan for dates..

to go to JB together, just the two of us..

to eat the small foodstalls..

and talk about anything under the sky whilst waiting for the car to get cleaned up..

you do not take time anymore..

to meet me in midday..

walk me down the mall..

and sing random songs that pops into our heads..

i m not like sad…because i know that you are genuinely busy..

and physically, your energy level fails you..

at every opportunity..you would rather stay home..

and not go out..just slack and relax..

but i jus feel incomplete..

when people generally ask me things like..

“does he love you a lot?”

“does he miss you?”

my immediate reaction is always to go against it..

and not believing it..

but i doubt its because you dont love me..or you dont miss me..

but its jus that you do not take time anymore to express it to me..

my love gauge is on the low..

but how i am going to tell you all these..

when i already think if i told you..

you would just think its utter nonsense.

you just dont take time to listen anymore.

The Indescribables…

my feelings cannot be described…

i feel empty, sad, frustrated..

sigh..i dont know why i am feeling..

and i dont know what i am feeling..

i just need to pew things out incoherently..

run like a crazy dog down the streets..

scream at the top of my lungs till my vocal chords snap..

just sleep and never wake up..

grrr..i feel sooooooooooooooo monstrously eeky inside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

;( and there is nothing i can do about it..

and for sure..there is nothing you will do anything about.

The ME now..

I think I have become a very cynical, skeptical, doubtful, insecure, take pleasure in nothing, stiff necked, stubborn, prideful, lone ranger…
All symptoms are deemed abominable to God..where did the cheerful, trusting, innocent, willing, yielded, sweet/good-natured girl go………

Well, I have no freakin’ idea..

I feel I am so doomed as a person.

Silence is Deafening…

i told myself a hundred times..that this isnt my fault..but you make every single moment..feel just like that..

but the fact is..it isnt my fault.

i tried many times to just let go..

but this time, somehow..i feel like i am entitled to throw a tantrum..

simply..cos i know you SHOULD come and coax me..

but do you?

no, you don’t..

someone commented that you are a liability..

and to me, you wouldnt be..if you would just try to understand things beyond your perspective..

life isnt just about you and what you have been through..

it is alot more than that..

i know comparing to others..

you have seen, heard, experience..SO SO SO much more..

and i admire you for that..

but at the same time..

i have also seen, heard, experienced a lot too..

but have u tried to come to way i am..

maybe i am the immature one, the one that does not know the world..

then bring me to where you are..

but no.

all i get is some form of relinquished responsibility..

nonchalance..

a cant be bothered-ness..

and it kills me inside..

cos i try to make conversation…(when i am supposed to be the rightful one throwing the tantrum)

but you don’t..

but who am i to complain..

i am..

sighz..

i just feel so unjustified..

i cannot be normal nor someone who can be loved by you.

even when i am unreasonable (which i was not).

Who Would Ever Know…

who would ever know…

how tired i am..

how much my body aches due to physical exhaustion..

how much my soul longs for some form of comfort and pampering..

how porous and shriveled up i feel…

how much i just want to stay home and sleep..

not picking up any calls..

not doing any work..

not doing any ministerial work..

just being myself and i…

when kelv was around..

i need to be the best support..

so no matter how tired i was (for the past 2-3 weeks)..

i just tolerated, cos i know he needed me during this time..

i shuttled back and forth…multiple times..

i want to yawn, fall asleep..many times giddy and really sleepy..

but i control those sensations..

cos i know he needs me..

now he has left to settle what he needs to settle..

but..

i still have a mountain of tasks to complete…

i need a break..seriously!

there is no leaders meeting tmr..

but i have meet a member (whom i love alot)..

and he is complaining i do not give him enough attention..

when i thought i could finally rest after kelv left for msia..

another one of my ‘new friends’ have medical emergencies..

more hospital visits…more meeting needs..

i just need one break..

one day to do my own things..

i have been wanting to clean of my old nail polish for a really long time.. (maybe a mth?)

but up till now..i dont have the time AND the energy to do it..

i feel soooooooooooooooooo tired…………………….

i really need sleeep…………

when i thought i could jus skip sch tmr..

i realize i got a presentation to complete..

and i got fyp meeting…

this whole week is jus waking up at 6+ and sleeping at 2am?

sucks..

my eyelid keeps twitching..and according to the docs..

it is becos of physical exhaustion and fatigue..

who would ever know…..

i really just need sleep…

God if You can…let me find a way to get rest..

let me be able to ‘fall ill’ or something..

to jus make me stop working..

or more like, give me an excuse to stop working..

tues: school from 9am to 730pm, dinner..home..

wed: tuition at 9am till 3pm, churchwide bible study

thurs: REST?! nope, give kelv a ‘welcome home surprise’ as he reaches at 7+ 8am..or at the very least make him a nice lunchbox and surprise him at home in simei…theatre play to attend at 8pm..

fri: school from 9am to 4pm..rush home to pack, paint, revamp room till late, wee hours in the night..

sat: tuition at 9am till 130pm, hospital visit at 3pm till 5pm…REST?! doubt it, will probably meet kelv for dinner…

sun: church, REST?! (hopefully)…BUT HOW ABOUT SCHOOL WORK!?!?!! i have french test!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD HELP ME PLEASE…

The Cycles of My Life.

Who reads my blog nowadays anyway..

no one right?

so, i shall be plain, brutal and honest..

just let me rant..

if you have any comments..

please DO NOT mention them to me..

i DON’T appreciate your pity or ‘concern’..

just know it..and keep it aside..

and act NORMAL when you see me..

(if anyone even reads my blog)

 

i have realized a cycle of my ‘miserable’ life..

a cycle of sadness, low self esteem, not feeling good enough..

today, i have seen a difference in how you treat others as compared to me..

i have seen the way you smile, laugh, joke, easing them into a conversation..

simply, being interested.

but you are not interested in me..

why?

cos you don’t ask me any questions..you don’t want to know how i feel, what i have experienced..

and again..i feel like i have no one to talk to again..

no one that would understand..

i feel like i am a super predictable..super boring..super plain jane..

i feel like i am not the mysterious, adventurous, play hard-to-get kind of girl..

the ones that guys like, or that would motivate more challenge and stimulate more interest..

and yes, i am not.

and i am getting the bored end of the interactions..

and i am sick of it.

i am just not like them..

so take it, or jus dump me aside.

today i have realized another thing..

the reason i want to depend on the ONE so much..

the reason why i want to be a kid sometimes to whine and to be cuddled..

the reason why i want overflowing tenderness and sensitivity..

gentle touches, and surprise hugs..

the reason why i want the ‘i love you’s and the ‘i want to be with you’s..

i know why i want to depend and feel desirable..

it is because at home..

i am depended upon.

i am needed to counsel..to ease the pain..

i am needed to add entertainment..to be the laughing stock..

i am needed to do things that do not want to be done..

i am needed to be independent.

i am jus needed to be alone, and only summoned when i am needed.

i am sick of it.

i am sick of giving so much and getting so little back in return.

i am sick of trying so darn hard to earn the trust, the love, the commitment..

if you don’t want to love me..

then, don’t.

and that is the reason why..

i don’t want to live too long..

i am not excited about longevity..

i really don’t mind ending my life right here and now..

cos’ i don’t find it rewarding anymore..

i don’t feel that i am loved the way i should be loved.

i am sick of it.

Protected: My Failure to Satisfy…

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I just want to rant…

hah!this blog is dead..until it has become just a site for my trash, rants and complaints!:S

so not good……..

but anyhow..this is like the only space that i can voice everything out..

to just write and know that there is no consequence..

no one to answer to..no one’s feelings to consider..

(or so i tell myself)

i just want to rant..

this whole day SUCKED.

seriously..

not because anything major happened..

just that i felt like i was left alone..

i was not part of anything..

i felt faraway..

that i was not wanted..not cherished..

i was nothing.

time and time again..

things have been said, promised, given..

and time and time again..

those things are often left undone, unreciprocated, not mentioned again..

why do i always have to understand…(this is jus sad sarah talking..she will still, no matter what..)

(but this is a ranting post right…so rant away, sarah!)

why do i always have to be the one to take a step back so you can do what you want to..

what about my needs…understanding me..

what about you doing what i want to do..

why can’t i be the one receiving..

why mus i be that one who always gives in..

i am tired of trying to understand..

(although i do)

but because of your lack of assurance and comfort..

and love and affection..

i feel empty doing all of the above..

i feel like i want to withdraw even more..

i feel like..

i am nothing.

Nothingness

This is a ranting post..it will be incoherent..maybe it doesn’t make sense..but who reads it anyway..

I feel upset..feeling like I am not good enough..feeling like why is there so many memories that encapsulated those cherries from the sky..but not me..I have been feeling that I am not that important..there is no room for me to feel like I am needed..but it seems like I need you the most..

I read a statement once..that it is only when u have received a buzz that heavens have thought of you for the past 5mins..and mine is jus utter silence..deafening..emptiness..

Yes..that’s what I feel..empty.
And this means I am not thought of, or maybe it’s just the unbotheredness that bothers me..

It is not that heavens hover around cherries..just that I am afraid..I have not and can’t captivate the heavens as much as their sweetness..

I am just plain..blend..nothingness..
Am I?

Sighs..I feel like hell, but who actually knows..

Memories..

‘memories..all alone in the moonlight…’

Some memories came crashing into my dreams last night..dreams that I thought I have long forgotten..dreams that involved a past I do not want to look back at..

Reminds me of the hurt..the abandonment..the rejection..the longing..the emptiness…the previous me.

I will never want to relive it..but in this (beautiful) morning..I feel heavy hearted..and the memories that I once had..floods in like an uncontrollable current..the blurred images..though not many..are enough to……..

I wish I could forget..but there was just something different about that period of time..

God, help me to let go..help me to live for the now and the bright future you have for me..help me Lord.