You Don’t Take Time Anymore…

recently, i have begun to realize that i am feeling a little empty..

not empty in a bad way..but as in things have become so mundane..

we live life generally together..

meet at times, dont meet at times..

they are all great..and i am fine with that..

but after reading the book..i realized why do i feel so..

incomplete..

because you do not take time to romance me anymore..

taking it for granted that i will always be there to support you..

always there..

you stopped romancing me with inviting me into your house..

cooking dinner for me..

doing laundry together..

taking walks together..

you stopped romancing me ending each day with sweet nothings..before i go to bed..

cos you are too tired (physically) pursuing your dream..

you fall asleep on me all the time..

you forgot about (sigh) me.

you do not take time anymore to plan for dates..

to go to JB together, just the two of us..

to eat the small foodstalls..

and talk about anything under the sky whilst waiting for the car to get cleaned up..

you do not take time anymore..

to meet me in midday..

walk me down the mall..

and sing random songs that pops into our heads..

i m not like sad…because i know that you are genuinely busy..

and physically, your energy level fails you..

at every opportunity..you would rather stay home..

and not go out..just slack and relax..

but i jus feel incomplete..

when people generally ask me things like..

“does he love you a lot?”

“does he miss you?”

my immediate reaction is always to go against it..

and not believing it..

but i doubt its because you dont love me..or you dont miss me..

but its jus that you do not take time anymore to express it to me..

my love gauge is on the low..

but how i am going to tell you all these..

when i already think if i told you..

you would just think its utter nonsense.

you just dont take time to listen anymore.

Silence is Deafening…

i told myself a hundred times..that this isnt my fault..but you make every single moment..feel just like that..

but the fact is..it isnt my fault.

i tried many times to just let go..

but this time, somehow..i feel like i am entitled to throw a tantrum..

simply..cos i know you SHOULD come and coax me..

but do you?

no, you don’t..

someone commented that you are a liability..

and to me, you wouldnt be..if you would just try to understand things beyond your perspective..

life isnt just about you and what you have been through..

it is alot more than that..

i know comparing to others..

you have seen, heard, experience..SO SO SO much more..

and i admire you for that..

but at the same time..

i have also seen, heard, experienced a lot too..

but have u tried to come to way i am..

maybe i am the immature one, the one that does not know the world..

then bring me to where you are..

but no.

all i get is some form of relinquished responsibility..

nonchalance..

a cant be bothered-ness..

and it kills me inside..

cos i try to make conversation…(when i am supposed to be the rightful one throwing the tantrum)

but you don’t..

but who am i to complain..

i am..

sighz..

i just feel so unjustified..

i cannot be normal nor someone who can be loved by you.

even when i am unreasonable (which i was not).

I wish…

i wish i could see this scene happening in my life..

(this is gonna be a very wishful-thinking, idealistic, dreamy, romanticized, somewhat-impossible post)

i want to be holding my lover’s hand..walking down the streets of disneyland..

in the cool air of LA..

trench coats, scarves, gloves..

but nothing beats the warmth that is felt in our hearts..

when the night falls and the stars are gleaming with love..

we look into each other’s eyes..and know we were meant to be..

right here, right now..

‘tonight, i celebrate my love for you..tonight, we will both discover..how friends turn into lovers..’

we kiss and embrace..

in the glittery castle and the spectacular fireworks..

tonight, we have each other..

i am more than certain, you are my one and only…

i wish, i wish..

i would live to see this become a reality..

The Cycles of My Life.

Who reads my blog nowadays anyway..

no one right?

so, i shall be plain, brutal and honest..

just let me rant..

if you have any comments..

please DO NOT mention them to me..

i DON’T appreciate your pity or ‘concern’..

just know it..and keep it aside..

and act NORMAL when you see me..

(if anyone even reads my blog)

 

i have realized a cycle of my ‘miserable’ life..

a cycle of sadness, low self esteem, not feeling good enough..

today, i have seen a difference in how you treat others as compared to me..

i have seen the way you smile, laugh, joke, easing them into a conversation..

simply, being interested.

but you are not interested in me..

why?

cos you don’t ask me any questions..you don’t want to know how i feel, what i have experienced..

and again..i feel like i have no one to talk to again..

no one that would understand..

i feel like i am a super predictable..super boring..super plain jane..

i feel like i am not the mysterious, adventurous, play hard-to-get kind of girl..

the ones that guys like, or that would motivate more challenge and stimulate more interest..

and yes, i am not.

and i am getting the bored end of the interactions..

and i am sick of it.

i am just not like them..

so take it, or jus dump me aside.

today i have realized another thing..

the reason i want to depend on the ONE so much..

the reason why i want to be a kid sometimes to whine and to be cuddled..

the reason why i want overflowing tenderness and sensitivity..

gentle touches, and surprise hugs..

the reason why i want the ‘i love you’s and the ‘i want to be with you’s..

i know why i want to depend and feel desirable..

it is because at home..

i am depended upon.

i am needed to counsel..to ease the pain..

i am needed to add entertainment..to be the laughing stock..

i am needed to do things that do not want to be done..

i am needed to be independent.

i am jus needed to be alone, and only summoned when i am needed.

i am sick of it.

i am sick of giving so much and getting so little back in return.

i am sick of trying so darn hard to earn the trust, the love, the commitment..

if you don’t want to love me..

then, don’t.

and that is the reason why..

i don’t want to live too long..

i am not excited about longevity..

i really don’t mind ending my life right here and now..

cos’ i don’t find it rewarding anymore..

i don’t feel that i am loved the way i should be loved.

i am sick of it.

I just want to rant…

hah!this blog is dead..until it has become just a site for my trash, rants and complaints!:S

so not good……..

but anyhow..this is like the only space that i can voice everything out..

to just write and know that there is no consequence..

no one to answer to..no one’s feelings to consider..

(or so i tell myself)

i just want to rant..

this whole day SUCKED.

seriously..

not because anything major happened..

just that i felt like i was left alone..

i was not part of anything..

i felt faraway..

that i was not wanted..not cherished..

i was nothing.

time and time again..

things have been said, promised, given..

and time and time again..

those things are often left undone, unreciprocated, not mentioned again..

why do i always have to understand…(this is jus sad sarah talking..she will still, no matter what..)

(but this is a ranting post right…so rant away, sarah!)

why do i always have to be the one to take a step back so you can do what you want to..

what about my needs…understanding me..

what about you doing what i want to do..

why can’t i be the one receiving..

why mus i be that one who always gives in..

i am tired of trying to understand..

(although i do)

but because of your lack of assurance and comfort..

and love and affection..

i feel empty doing all of the above..

i feel like i want to withdraw even more..

i feel like..

i am nothing.

Nothingness

This is a ranting post..it will be incoherent..maybe it doesn’t make sense..but who reads it anyway..

I feel upset..feeling like I am not good enough..feeling like why is there so many memories that encapsulated those cherries from the sky..but not me..I have been feeling that I am not that important..there is no room for me to feel like I am needed..but it seems like I need you the most..

I read a statement once..that it is only when u have received a buzz that heavens have thought of you for the past 5mins..and mine is jus utter silence..deafening..emptiness..

Yes..that’s what I feel..empty.
And this means I am not thought of, or maybe it’s just the unbotheredness that bothers me..

It is not that heavens hover around cherries..just that I am afraid..I have not and can’t captivate the heavens as much as their sweetness..

I am just plain..blend..nothingness..
Am I?

Sighs..I feel like hell, but who actually knows..

Fight..The Right Way..

I have been thinking a lot about this..and the ringing that can sometimes be so overwhelming is..’is this or am I what you are looking for?’

And if that summons a negative answer……….I am speechless, helpless..crushed and torn.

Doubts, impressions, lies, thoughts..
I was almost on lines of certainty that it will fall apart..

I cried out of signs..I want a physical sign..I needed it..because.

But when they didn’t came..I asked myself..’is it really important to have physical evidence from above? Is this not important enough for you to fight..?’

Fine I will fight..cos I am so damn fearful..cos I am really going to fall apart..crack..burst..crash and burn..

Today I woke up..knowing my attitudes are all over the place..fighting to avoid an end is just too tiring..fight sarah, fight for the victory..that’s faith.

I read it again..it said, ‘passionate loyalty..makes it stronger..closer and bonded..’

Is that an enough reminder?fight Sarah, fight for the victory..

‘Maybe, just maybe this is not as crazy as it seems..all I know is I love you too much to walk away..’

Fight Sarah, fight for that victory…

The Best of San Diego :)

so, it came to the last day..and man..wasn’t it the best day..

i think san diego is famous for their beaches and they are totally NOT overrated..

the morning started with the beautiful couple, hilda and indra, bringing us to a very sweet and quaint breakfast place, “the cottage”! my god, the food there is just simply ooh lala!:D

they served some really appetizing cinnamon, walnut cake while you wait in queue!

i fell in love with “eggs benedict”…mammalicious! :9

the couple and the spread of food..1. stuffed french toast (caramelized fruits) 2. omelette 3. eggs benedict

hilda suggested that we go to yet ANOTHER beach..called the ‘La Jolla Coast’…

when i first heard..all i thought was..”oh! another beach…..AGAIN!”

but let me tell you guys..it was the BEST experience of beaches i have ever had..

maybe because of my mood..and how the wind comforted me..

or maybe because of where my heart was longing..and how the horizon allured me to see beyond the impossible..

or maybe its just because La Jolla Coast is just magnificently beautiful..

i loved that place..it was another one of those ‘wished you were here’ moments…but seriously..if i had more time..i would love to walk slowly..stand still and gaze at the ocean..soak and breathe in the life that exudes from this coast..

nature’s beauty..one of God’s greatest gift..:)

and yes!there were seals!!!hahaha

after that breathtaking (because it was SOOOO cold and windy also) experience..we went to phil’s bbq..another famous foodie place for its ribs and all that…

i must say..it was gooood..much much much better than all you can expect from cafe cartel..haha the beef ribs were awesome:)

then i went to Rock Church..some church in downtown..my greatest takeaway is..

they embrace the cultural mandate..live by it and show it practically to the congregation and the rest of the community..

the sermon was simple and basic…but that’s beyond the point..

the way it was conveyed..through drama..and a creative storyline to teach the Word..makes people come with anticipation and builds an expectation that there will be a transformation after the series:) and Rachel Lampa was there…the one that sang ‘No Greater Love’..awesome song!

this is by far the best day i have had in san diego..and the Lord ended it well..by reminding me with a great encouragement and affirmation…

a beauteous sky..

like he always said..and i always thought..

“what a beautiful sky…it always reminds me that God is there and how great He is..”

the best of san diego.

Sarah IS Bliss:) (a really outdated post)

so it is..SARAH IS FINALLY ATTACHED!!!

(actually for quite some time, just no time to post this up!!)

so that eventful night happened on the 14th of Feb (awww..) in the midst of CNY (awwwwww….) and he just flew back from Shanghai (awwwwwwwwwwww…..)

but really sarah feels like she is most most most  blessed person in this world!!:D

he is someone i have always dreamed of..wanted..prayed for..he is everything i ever imagined the “HIM” to be..

and day by day..i discover more things i enjoy about him..more love to love him with..and more of myself to sacrifice for him with..

once i blogged (in my blogger account), about what kind of guy i wanted..and man!almost every moment i stand and admire the work that God has done in kelvin’s life..that makes me astounded..he fits every criterion that i stated:)

kelvin wasn’t someone i thought i could be with previously..not my most immediate choice..

but it is really only through God..that i found him..appreciated him..and grew to love him..(and still growing more and more..falling deeper and deeper)

he is like a dream come true..a god-sent..my confidante..

simply, my love.

so to Mr Kelvin Loh Kah Meng: (as if he’ll ever read my blog..hahaha)

“dear..thanks for everything..once i thought to myself this relationship can never happen..it is impossible..but i guess God proved me wrong..very very wrong..

i love you more each day..:)

thanks for always drawing me back to God..encouraging me..building me up..telling me that if i make a mistake that it’s alright..

that you will still accept and love me:)

when i see you..my heart skips a beat..maybe two..cos every part of my being wants to be with you..

i stand afar, admiring you..and i know..

you’re the one for me..

my one and only..

and i pray..that through His grace and love..

we will go on forever..

and ever..

i love you:)”

p.s.: sarah is really really happy.

Letting Go； 手放开了。

我把自己关起来只留下一个阳台
每当天黑推开窗我对着夜幕发呆
看着往事一幕一幕
再次演出你我的爱
我把电视机打开听着别人的对白
也许那些故事可以给我一个交代
你要的爱我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏人怔怔看情感概
不能给你未来我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪流下来 伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白

我给你最后的疼爱是手放开
不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌 写着等待

不能给你未来我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪流下来 伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白

我给你最后的疼爱是手放开
不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌 写着等待

我把收音机打开听着别人的失败
啃咽的声音仿佛诉说着相同悲哀
你的依赖还在胸怀
我无法轻易推开我无法随便走开
感情中专心的人容易被伤害。

i’m ok, don’t worry.