Grey: White and Black

I ask myself many times why I am here..
This is a family event..
A group of friends that are can click and know each other for a period of time..
Why am I here?
Feeling so awkward..and I could have just stayed at home..
Envisioned tonight to be really different..
But I guess..you can’t really “make me feel included” simply cos there are more urgent things to attend to..
But..why am I here?
I m a nobody..seriously..
How many times do I need to be in this position..
Putting myself in a place where I am…
Forgotten..
Should have jus skipped this..
Wanted tonight to be more of a…
Sighs..nevermind..it doesn’t matter anymore..
I will jus have to live through tonight..jus 2 more hours..

Didn’t start off well..

Today didn’t start well..I woke up feel a great sense of dread..and the loneliness feeling is overwhelming me again..I wished for more when I know “more” is impossible..I wished for..I wished for many things of which now I feel it’s totally a joke..maybe it’s pms that is getting me more emo than what I alr have been in the past 2mths..but what the hell..I don’t want to be emo at all! God would u somehow assure me that I will be ok? That I would still find someone that would love me for who I am..that I would be happy.

I really need You now.

The defeats during the victory..

I don’t feel so good..
Really bothered..
Why does faith leak so fast during this period..
It’s over, I keep telling myself..
But my head and my heart are always in a constant battle..
I am starting to miss it all..
I thought this would be..
God, please help me..
I really don’t feel so good..

You Don’t Take Time Anymore…

recently, i have begun to realize that i am feeling a little empty..

not empty in a bad way..but as in things have become so mundane..

we live life generally together..

meet at times, dont meet at times..

they are all great..and i am fine with that..

but after reading the book..i realized why do i feel so..

incomplete..

because you do not take time to romance me anymore..

taking it for granted that i will always be there to support you..

always there..

you stopped romancing me with inviting me into your house..

cooking dinner for me..

doing laundry together..

taking walks together..

you stopped romancing me ending each day with sweet nothings..before i go to bed..

cos you are too tired (physically) pursuing your dream..

you fall asleep on me all the time..

you forgot about (sigh) me.

you do not take time anymore to plan for dates..

to go to JB together, just the two of us..

to eat the small foodstalls..

and talk about anything under the sky whilst waiting for the car to get cleaned up..

you do not take time anymore..

to meet me in midday..

walk me down the mall..

and sing random songs that pops into our heads..

i m not like sad…because i know that you are genuinely busy..

and physically, your energy level fails you..

at every opportunity..you would rather stay home..

and not go out..just slack and relax..

but i jus feel incomplete..

when people generally ask me things like..

“does he love you a lot?”

“does he miss you?”

my immediate reaction is always to go against it..

and not believing it..

but i doubt its because you dont love me..or you dont miss me..

but its jus that you do not take time anymore to express it to me..

my love gauge is on the low..

but how i am going to tell you all these..

when i already think if i told you..

you would just think its utter nonsense.

you just dont take time to listen anymore.

The Indescribables…

my feelings cannot be described…

i feel empty, sad, frustrated..

sigh..i dont know why i am feeling..

and i dont know what i am feeling..

i just need to pew things out incoherently..

run like a crazy dog down the streets..

scream at the top of my lungs till my vocal chords snap..

just sleep and never wake up..

grrr..i feel sooooooooooooooo monstrously eeky inside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

;( and there is nothing i can do about it..

and for sure..there is nothing you will do anything about.

The ME now..

I think I have become a very cynical, skeptical, doubtful, insecure, take pleasure in nothing, stiff necked, stubborn, prideful, lone ranger…
All symptoms are deemed abominable to God..where did the cheerful, trusting, innocent, willing, yielded, sweet/good-natured girl go………

Well, I have no freakin’ idea..

I feel I am so doomed as a person.

Mixed Up.

I am all mixed up..

i have mixed feelings..

it seems so unnatural..

but i feel so uncomfortable and burdened..

like some impending doom is looming..

God, please deliver, please release..

God please make everything beautiful..

i want to be happy again..

i want to have a life and life more abundantly..

i need peace.

I wish…

i wish i could see this scene happening in my life..

(this is gonna be a very wishful-thinking, idealistic, dreamy, romanticized, somewhat-impossible post)

i want to be holding my lover’s hand..walking down the streets of disneyland..

in the cool air of LA..

trench coats, scarves, gloves..

but nothing beats the warmth that is felt in our hearts..

when the night falls and the stars are gleaming with love..

we look into each other’s eyes..and know we were meant to be..

right here, right now..

‘tonight, i celebrate my love for you..tonight, we will both discover..how friends turn into lovers..’

we kiss and embrace..

in the glittery castle and the spectacular fireworks..

tonight, we have each other..

i am more than certain, you are my one and only…

i wish, i wish..

i would live to see this become a reality..

All that i ever want to be…

all that i ever want to be is…

is to be happy..

i finally came out of the shell..

and admitted honestly to be myself that yes..

i am suicidal.. (no worries, i have told someone about it..and i hope would be of appropriate help)

in a very cold, hard, true way..

hmm often seen as an immature, emotionally weak, ignorant choice..

choice of state, experience and thinking..

and yes, i admit..

i am immature, emotionally weak and ignorant..

but truly and deepy..

i don’t know better..

if you asked me, “isnt there so much to live for?”

my answer to you would be no..

simply put, nothing is rewarding anymore..

what i place highly and at extreme importance..

utterly disappoints me and the hurt and all that entails it..

kills me..

from my spirit, to my soul then my body(well, not yet..)

i have become a bag of sadness, depression, tiredness and weakness..of lies of joy..

no vitality nor joy..

and notice its a bag…not having any inkling of human-ity at all..

i do cos i know it is what others want me to..

to please them (sounds like a joke to me now)..

when i have no confidence and no security at all..

that they will love me back..

most of the time..the love IS conditional..

i cannot find one that gives me unconditional love..

(besides God, of cos)..

but what i derive joy, peace, faith, hope, and love from..

is basically, sadly..PEOPLE..

and yes i have trusted them too much..

they made used of me..took advantage of what i sincerely offered..took a part of life and trampled on it..made me feel like i am less of a person..

(to those people, you know who you are..and i am trying to my very last breath to forgive u..so that i can start my life over…)

and that has left me so so so torn..

and so, the ‘i dont want to live anymore’ thoughts are strong, and very prominent in the head..never been stronger..

maybe cos i don’t feel satisfied w life anymore..

i hate being myself, and not knowing who i am..

i often have to change so that others can relate to me better..

and i have changed so much..

to the point i have no grasp of who i am anymore..

maybe its my childhood,

i never once had someone who would love me becos of me..

i often had to wait..

wait for love to visit me..

i often have to work..

work for a small figment of love to be printed in that few moments..

love becomes so tiring to me..

be it to my family, my boyfriend, my cell group, my friends..

loving people is so tiring for me..

and that has translated to how i relate to God..

i have to work for His love..cos He doesnt love me as much..

i have to prove my worth..i have to prove i am worth it..

and now..of cos, the dominant thoughts are..

i am NOT worth it..

i am too tired of trying to be everyone’s..

too broken, too shattered..

i want to be myself’s..

but i dunno where to start..

and hence, the ‘what’s the point of living another day’ notion..

what scares me the most is i am not exactly scared to actually end my life..

which means, i really treat it like a very viable option..

stupid, i know..

in any case, what really stops me is the thought of the inappropriateness of the season..

the reactions of people (i think) that love me..

whether i would be a stumbling block to others or not..

whatever it is..

i am trying to step forward..

and leave what is behind..

and try living, not surviving, again..

i just want to be free..

like a child..

(innocence, laughter, joy..smiles, simplicity)

i just want to be happy.

The Cycles of My Life.

Who reads my blog nowadays anyway..

no one right?

so, i shall be plain, brutal and honest..

just let me rant..

if you have any comments..

please DO NOT mention them to me..

i DON’T appreciate your pity or ‘concern’..

just know it..and keep it aside..

and act NORMAL when you see me..

(if anyone even reads my blog)

 

i have realized a cycle of my ‘miserable’ life..

a cycle of sadness, low self esteem, not feeling good enough..

today, i have seen a difference in how you treat others as compared to me..

i have seen the way you smile, laugh, joke, easing them into a conversation..

simply, being interested.

but you are not interested in me..

why?

cos you don’t ask me any questions..you don’t want to know how i feel, what i have experienced..

and again..i feel like i have no one to talk to again..

no one that would understand..

i feel like i am a super predictable..super boring..super plain jane..

i feel like i am not the mysterious, adventurous, play hard-to-get kind of girl..

the ones that guys like, or that would motivate more challenge and stimulate more interest..

and yes, i am not.

and i am getting the bored end of the interactions..

and i am sick of it.

i am just not like them..

so take it, or jus dump me aside.

today i have realized another thing..

the reason i want to depend on the ONE so much..

the reason why i want to be a kid sometimes to whine and to be cuddled..

the reason why i want overflowing tenderness and sensitivity..

gentle touches, and surprise hugs..

the reason why i want the ‘i love you’s and the ‘i want to be with you’s..

i know why i want to depend and feel desirable..

it is because at home..

i am depended upon.

i am needed to counsel..to ease the pain..

i am needed to add entertainment..to be the laughing stock..

i am needed to do things that do not want to be done..

i am needed to be independent.

i am jus needed to be alone, and only summoned when i am needed.

i am sick of it.

i am sick of giving so much and getting so little back in return.

i am sick of trying so darn hard to earn the trust, the love, the commitment..

if you don’t want to love me..

then, don’t.

and that is the reason why..

i don’t want to live too long..

i am not excited about longevity..

i really don’t mind ending my life right here and now..

cos’ i don’t find it rewarding anymore..

i don’t feel that i am loved the way i should be loved.

i am sick of it.