My Near-Death Experience (as if my life is not exciting enough)

for the first time in my life..

i can seriously say..i almost died.

not in a joking manner..but really..

i almost lost my life.

through the experience, contrary to popular belief,

it makes me feel more regret..

more longing, more sadness..

no burst of new hope to live fulfilled lives..

just more emptiness.

on the 20th June…

a group of 3 friends and i went on a road trip to see the awesome, magnificent grand canyon..

the roads were clear..and the sun shone brilliantly..

we were all excited..after 2 long but blasting nights at las vegas..

cars zoomed past..as if it was the most quintessential thing to be driving at top speed..

my friend and i fell in and out of sleep throughout that 5 hr journey..

time check: 1330hrs..it happened.

the winds were hitting against the ‘light’ car driving at 80mph..

the steering started to get lighter and lighter..

the wheels were getting out of control..

the car had a life on its own..

moving in all dreadful directions..

we swerved to the left..

out of fear, we steered to the right..

then we swerved to the right at a high speed..

we then spun round 2 times..

and crashed head-on to the road side grilles..

i thought i was going to die..

and i was prepared to go over the grille and crash down the hill..

i was prepared for death.

the mind came to a stop..

captured in that ‘death’ moment..

“what would happen to my family..if i was gone..

what would happen to kelvin, to my friends..

to my cell group members..

what if i was really gone…”

with those thoughts..

the car miraculously came to a stop..

just inches away from crashing down the hill and turning over..

and we rolled into a ditch..

i burst out into tears..

realizing an excruciating pain in my head..

i had hit my head 3 times during the entire whirlwind..

but what HIT my head the most was..

i almost lost my life..i almost lost the chance to meet anyone again..

i almost.

“i just wished for more…(but i didn’t get it)“

Silence.

the concept of silence is often associated with something bad..

silence due to anger..silence due to hostility..silence due to indifference..

silence due to death..silence kills.

and many a time, throughout our lives..when we get the ‘silent treatment’..

we often get terrified, agitated and saddened by it..

and i, for one, fall under that category..

i hate the silence.

i hate being ignored..i hate being lost because there is no direction..

i hate feeling empty because there is no communication..

i hate..s.i.l.e.n.c.e.

but yesterday morning..i really felt a sense in my heart that silence is more often than not..a good thing..a solution to many situations..a character moulding process..a love expression..

silence cause you to calm down before venting an unwanted anger, causing unnecessary hurt..

silence cause you to linger, to ponder, to derive the best and most effective solution to many situations..

to sort out your thoughts and emotions, to find the courage to fight the next second of noise…

silence cause you to focus on the here and now, to enjoy the moment, to soak in the satisfaction..to love, ultimately..

but silence is also an avenue to draw you closer..to build your character..so that the relationship can become stronger and mature..to relate at a higher level..

God ALWAYS uses silence.

when we feel dry and weary..and when God seem so faraway..

He becomes a silent God..He stops speaking..stops giving you direction..stops comforting you..

it is AS IF, He stops loving you..

but the fact of the matter is..His silence IS the expression of love for you..

as He knows that the silence is the only necessary thing to make you grow..

to become stronger..to become tougher..

to want to draw closer to Him..

when whatever we ask..we get..whatever we knock, it would be open..whatever we seek, we find..

things become too easy and we take things for granted..

we become too reliant..

but often enough, we forget…

when we ask..there is the process of waiting for a response before we get..

when we knock..there is the process of waiting at the door before it is open..

when we seek..there is a process of waiting for the desired to appear before it is found..

silence equates to waiting.

and we humans hate to wait..

but its through the waiting period that we learn to stand on our two feet, take up the cross..

put on our armour..and FIGHT.

it is the waiting period that we loose the reliance (baby syndrome)..and become independent (a mature son) with character..

it is through the waiting period that we want more of the desired..we crave, we hunger..

and when He finally responses..we learn to appreciate more, thank more, believe more..

have faith more..

we become closer in a relationship..

it is through the waiting period..that i realize the love He has for me..

silence can build you up, if you want it to..

so, silence is an opportunity for us to grow..not a time to complain..

it is a time for us to immerse ourselves in the now..focus on the things we have..

and make the best out of it..

it is a time to seek more, love more..and have faith.

i have had the ‘silence treatment’..and i am still trying to know the purpose of it..

but one thing for sure..in the silence..

i finally find peace with myself.

“i probably don’t understand all the time..and i probably don’t understand it totally..but i will try..slowly but surely..i am starting to discover what your love for me is all about..”

The Best of San Diego :)

so, it came to the last day..and man..wasn’t it the best day..

i think san diego is famous for their beaches and they are totally NOT overrated..

the morning started with the beautiful couple, hilda and indra, bringing us to a very sweet and quaint breakfast place, “the cottage”! my god, the food there is just simply ooh lala!:D

they served some really appetizing cinnamon, walnut cake while you wait in queue!

i fell in love with “eggs benedict”…mammalicious! :9

the couple and the spread of food..1. stuffed french toast (caramelized fruits) 2. omelette 3. eggs benedict

hilda suggested that we go to yet ANOTHER beach..called the ‘La Jolla Coast’…

when i first heard..all i thought was..”oh! another beach…..AGAIN!”

but let me tell you guys..it was the BEST experience of beaches i have ever had..

maybe because of my mood..and how the wind comforted me..

or maybe because of where my heart was longing..and how the horizon allured me to see beyond the impossible..

or maybe its just because La Jolla Coast is just magnificently beautiful..

i loved that place..it was another one of those ‘wished you were here’ moments…but seriously..if i had more time..i would love to walk slowly..stand still and gaze at the ocean..soak and breathe in the life that exudes from this coast..

nature’s beauty..one of God’s greatest gift..:)

and yes!there were seals!!!hahaha

after that breathtaking (because it was SOOOO cold and windy also) experience..we went to phil’s bbq..another famous foodie place for its ribs and all that…

i must say..it was gooood..much much much better than all you can expect from cafe cartel..haha the beef ribs were awesome:)

then i went to Rock Church..some church in downtown..my greatest takeaway is..

they embrace the cultural mandate..live by it and show it practically to the congregation and the rest of the community..

the sermon was simple and basic…but that’s beyond the point..

the way it was conveyed..through drama..and a creative storyline to teach the Word..makes people come with anticipation and builds an expectation that there will be a transformation after the series:) and Rachel Lampa was there…the one that sang ‘No Greater Love’..awesome song!

this is by far the best day i have had in san diego..and the Lord ended it well..by reminding me with a great encouragement and affirmation…

a beauteous sky..

like he always said..and i always thought..

“what a beautiful sky…it always reminds me that God is there and how great He is..”

the best of san diego.

San Diego! (oops, sorry for late updates and the photo spamming!)

and so, i left san francisco and set foot in the land of sun and sea…

SAN DIEGO!:)

but the journey was sure long, tiring!!

travelling with a group of 6 girls sure isnt easy!we left the house at about 9am..when our flight was at 1050am!so when we got there, we were LATE obviously..and MISSED OUR FLIGHT!!!!my first time missing a flight…man!and i heard there was a USD50 charge!!but thank God, it was waived..and we were put on waiting list on the next flight!!!

but sadly, yunxi and i didnt get onto the next flight..and had to wait for like 6 hrs to go on the NEXT one…for what seemed like eternity..with pockets of extreme drama..we finally got onto the 1720h flight..

HELLO SAN DIEGO!

yunxi is happy (cos she is not stranded again in the aiport..)

hilda came to pick us up at the airport!!!!!and man, i must say she has really grown to be one a really beautiful lady…and she is AWESOMELY hospitable…(and her boyfriend is really nice, happy for her)..so we went to her place and then we went to eat pizza (again -____-”) but the taste was not bad:) then, hilda brought us to this really heavenly dessert place, “extraordinary desserts”…it was really cosy and quaint..loved that place makes me feel the ‘love’ feeling, if you get what i means…”wished you were here..”

the cakesssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!oh my……………you have not tasted anything yet in singapore!!!

the next day we went to old town, its like a mexican small town!very very cool..

and we went to some very awesome mexican restaurant that serves delicious FISH TACOS!!!!!!!oh my…you can’t believe how fresh and how yummy they are!!:) cafe coyote…highly recommended!

to the beach we went!!:) mission beach…we just sun bathed..the weirdest thing is..the sun is hot..but the wind is colddddd….and the waters are icy!eventually, i caught a cold… *sniff*

no hot guys!!!:( hahahaha…just me, the sun and the sand!

after MANY days of pure trans fat floating in my body..i NEEDED some soup, rice, noodles..SOME ASIAN PLEASE! and great hilda brought us to this great vietnamese pho place!!!!!!superrrrrrrrr yummmmyyy!!!!:9 the soup is sooo tasty and the beef is soooo tender!!

THEN THE BIG BANG CAME….we went to hodad’s!!!!!!!!!the best american food restaurant….man the queue is perpetually long…and it is NOT overrated..its worth the wait!:D

the inside of the restaurant is very vintage..(and crowded)..with loud, country music..which you can jiggle along with

now for the legendary and revolutionary ONION RINGS and CHOCOLATE/VANILLA/STRAWBERRY MALT….they are SUPER huge………..seriously, purely trans fats…….buttttt worth the fats toooO!!

pearl and the strawberry malt!

the awesome onion ringS!

some other pics at ocean’s beach…the wind is strong, but gives you a really calm feeling..there is a really beautiful cafe that sits along the pier…hmmm..another “wished you were here” moment..

alright..thats all for now..this post is all over the place..cos i am ill-disciplined to blog everyday..so, sorry for not having any poetic interest in this…haha

me, with my burnt face..and i have totally put on weight!!!!!!arghs:/ when school starts at Berkeley..i am going to run 5km regularly!!!!!!!!!

(i am starting to hate dislike american food…and its only a weeek! soooo unhealthy!!!!)

p.s.: in san diego, other than the beach, and the shopping..its really about foooooodddd…….haha

“wished you were here…”…very apt..and i really want to see you..hmmm..

do you want to see me too?

Day 1: Chasing the American Nightmare!!

i am finally in SFO!!!!!

aft a grueling 16hr-flight, my butt becoming sore and my legs stiffening, with a baby that cried his lungs out and sounded like he was going through massive pain, i finally stepped into US grounds!! (which isn’t all a good thing, HAHA)

the first ‘american’ thing i experienced was the INefficiency of their security system…HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU WANT TO CHECK MY BAG?!!!!and HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU WANT TO ASK ME WHY I AM IN USA FOR???

i took like 1 whole hr to clear customs…and they confiscated my maggie DRIED chicken porridge! sobs :’( and the way they treat Asians..man lets not get there!!

first time taking the BART (the train system) and guys in singapore, seriously, you MUST really THANK GOD for the efficient and comprehensive transport sys in singapore…

cos, my friends and i almst got LOST…almst boarded the wrong train that brought us to timbaktoo!!!cos there are 2 tracks..but the trains are not direct opposites of each other..each train has its own specific route…so if you are so used to singapore’s ‘just cross over’ mentality..you will 流浪 for quite a long while..

so finally, reached downtown berkeley station…YAYNESS!!!!!!:D and my apartment is SUPER near to town…YAYNESS DOUBLE!:DD

oh and did i tell you..its SUMMER..but its like 8-9 degrees Celsius, with wind and rain..ARGHS…..brrrrr-ing collldddd!!!!!i was wearing jeans, boots, tee and a hoodie over…and still i was shaking!!!hahaha what kind of summer is this man!!!shouldn’t i be in tank tops and shorts!!!!!???

so, anyway..the place is still quite quaint with many exotic flowers (seriouly)..and i like the whole feeling of the streets (though i really miss home ALOT ALOT ALOT)..and my apartment (pics another time, now too dark) is like big but a little messy..haha and ermm u know..a little :S haha but oh wells..this is what i call ‘HOME’ for the next 2 mths..(bear with it sarah! *kabishes head* )

SIA’s food was goood..haha really enjoyed it..but to prevent myself from getting fat on this trip..i decided to only eat half to 3-quarters of each meal..they gave us 3 meals altogether..

but when i came to Berkeley..man!!!tummy starts to rumble….finding for foood again..so, the best and quickest solution for a bunch of really tired and jetlagged girls..PIZZA!!!:D which serves really huge-ass slices..and i chose diet coke to drink……..(HAHAHA)

and yes!pepperoni and mushrooms!!!YUMMY!!!hahaha but only one slice..no more…and certainly no less..hahaha

but man, when i see the eateries around..besides pasta, pizza, chessies and creamies..i see macdonald’s -__________-

where is the ASIAN FOOD!!!! i want noodles, soup, rice………..and from the corner of my eye i saw THAI-NOODS…mann i was ELATED!!!:D hahaha will try that really soon!:)

yupps so that basically marks my first day..really sleepy now..(with a rumbling tummy AGAIN!but tahan-ing NOT to eat till morning)…and will sleep aft blogging…

jetlag, i am going to overcome you!!8D

till tmr, or maybe in the near days…

sarah is fading out in berkeley!check here more for regular (i hope) updates about my US summer experience!:)

p.s: if you are wondering..YES my main mission here is to NOT put on weight…if i did..this will be chasing the american DISASTER!

Protected: Thing I Thought I Have Forgotten

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Love is so Fragile

Love, something to sweet and blissful..and yet so easily shattered into debris of hatred and bitterness..

So fragile..love,it is..

Most often the people that hurt us the most are the people we care for the most..the ones we sacrificed for..we deem as most important and significant in our lives..our LOVED ones..

But its often inevitable that conflicts arise,expectations differ,perspectives clash..but it’s not about the existence of dispute..but the way the dispute is being handled..

And this week..too many,so many conflicts are MIS-handled..I am rather saddened by it..

God meant relationships to be a means to mould our character..a plan to make us the people He wants us to be..as iron sharpens iron..but fallen humans,being fallen..are often selfish, insensitive and just sincerely ignorant about the things they so unconsciously do to hurt others..

Friendship,family and romantic love..so easily broken,so difficult to build up once again..

Can’t we love the way Jesus has loved us? But I guess,we all know no better..I am in the wrong too..maybe God is showing me so many cases of love being broken..cos I need to guard my heart and be cautious too..

I’m just burdened..

All I know is..

Jesus is too precious to me..for me to pin Him on the cross again..becos of my self-serving desires to sin..

My family is too precious to me..for me to pick faults and judge their imperfections..I am imperfect too..

My lover is too precious to me..for me to place my idealistic and selfish expectations on..as he is someone as ignorant and as desperate in life as I am..I want to his forever cheerleader..his forever buddy in his combats..his bestfit support in every circumstance he faces..

My friends and members are too precious to me..for me to only focus on self and forget about their needs and their struggles..I want to cry,laugh together with them…

My love is not limited to the perspective of love I have in my finite mind..but to the perspective of agape love..God has illuminated in my heart and mind..the moment I said ‘yes’ at the altar..and when His Spirit abided in me and breathed new life into my being..

Love,just as You have loved me..
Teach me, to be like who You are..
God is love.

Letting Go； 手放开了。

我把自己关起来只留下一个阳台
每当天黑推开窗我对着夜幕发呆
看着往事一幕一幕
再次演出你我的爱
我把电视机打开听着别人的对白
也许那些故事可以给我一个交代
你要的爱我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏人怔怔看情感概
不能给你未来我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪流下来 伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白

我给你最后的疼爱是手放开
不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌 写着等待

不能给你未来我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪流下来 伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白

我给你最后的疼爱是手放开
不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌 写着等待

我把收音机打开听着别人的失败
啃咽的声音仿佛诉说着相同悲哀
你的依赖还在胸怀
我无法轻易推开我无法随便走开
感情中专心的人容易被伤害。

i’m ok, don’t worry.

Relationships #4: The Irony

the irony;

everyone craves for love..

looking for it in the wrong places..

and wrong faces..

but sometimes people look for it in the right faces..

and just don’t have the courage to open up their inner spaces..

and i realized..

people want to romance and be romanced..

but at the same time when it comes knocking on their door..

it is soo easy to step on the side of fear and uncertainty..

and not open it at all..

we want to go forward..

but because of past experiences of wounds and hurts..

rejection and being torn apart..

though we want to reach out for what our soul cries out for..

we withdraw-

withdraw into a place where being alone is the safest..

being alone doesnt hurt anyone, most imptly ourselves..

we put ourselves in a box..

playing up the scenarios again and again..

that this and that may happen..

the ‘what ifs’ cripple us..

and we find ourselves caught in a cycle of loneliness..

barren and scared.

God never intended us to be like this!

He wants us to constantly have the faith to step OUT and step UP..

then we may say..but our experiences, fears, uncertainties..

hurts and scars..

ARE REAL..stark and real..

and yes, i know so too..

and for me..i am also in this cycle..

this cycle of not wanting to say ‘yes’ to someone i feel attracted to..

to think i am not ready to jump into a relationship..

cos i don’t know if he is D’ONE..

and i want my next one to be the last one..

i have no solution, sadly..

cos i tend to withdraw a lot, when i want it more..

but while i was in bed after taking a nap..

God just reminded me..

that if i am close to Him..

and if His thoughts and plans are always good for me..

and if i ALWAYS lift this area to Him..

and being sensitive to what i should/should not do..

i will be fine..

avoiding rejection and accepting miracles:)

faith upon faith..

i need to grow in faith..

and surrender EVERY area of my life to Him..

to integrate the God factor in everything..

hmm..it is easier to say i will follow God’s leading..

than actually doing it..

diluting the emotions that are acting up in my soul..

and going for it..

hmmm..would my future guy out there understand i actually have this fear?

haha..so it’s either you chase me first and assure me that my feelings are reciprocated..

or you will never know that i actually like you too..

i am done taking the initiative, seriously.

p.s: this is just a ‘thoughts’ post.

Too Much To Say In The Silence.

too much to say in the silence..

too much to express..

i feel so much pain seeing you in this state..

losing something that was so precious to you..

walking away from something that you once held tightly..

feeling so drained, so tired, so listless..

“be happy, be happy..”

i know it is seriously easier said than done..

but really..i want you to be happy..

will you just try?